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Felinity

I found him, afterward,
a brilliant mess of claw-combed feathers--
a rough brush, evidence
of impatient hunger.

All reddened whiskers
and emerald squint,
you ascend the rock wall like a jury box,
climbing above my garden and guilt.

We are gifting and gifted,
irrespective of fur tones
and table manners.

I bend
to see the brightness of the body,
ink black eyes with the light pouring out,
the things the dust has dulled.

I am afraid of my stomach,
of the rumbling insistence hiding
behind the smooth machinery of bones,
of the garden and the wall.

So don't come after me,
mouth full of the taste of sparrows.  
I had nine lives
before you ever came around. 

1. Testing Limits

Just how far can you take this?
How deep into skin and flesh
can you slice before you stop, gasp?

How long can you go sleeplessly
before you collapse on the bed,
hair splayed, unmoving, sick?

Just how much of yourself
can you incinerate and still exist?

How much of you is excess,
useless bits that you can carve away?

How small a shape can you whittle
yourself down to if you learn
to deny yourself everything, every day?

Try it. You can so easily
grasp all the answers
that you crave.

Just let yourself stand
on tiptoes at the very edge,
now rocking forward, now rocking back.

i have too many fantasies
procrastination aside,
i have too much brain to think
about what i want so i
am never really sure
which is the cure, the remedy,
which is the poison,
and which one i prefer,
in the end.

i look at you and i think that
you are pretty
so in my head your hair is still grey
and your mouth a thin line
but your eyes, they only focus on me
and oh, your body
i am honest, i just close my eyes
and i tell you that this is what i see

a fantasy
or many other vivid dreams
confuse my head
my body knows what it wants
but my mind longs for what?
poison, remedy,
neither, both,
fantasies involving you on top,
underneath,
or involved in a platonic experiment
where all we do is talk?
but that’s already real life to me

you know what they say about scorpio’s
repressed sexuality
escalates into vivid fantasy
imagine that

so, procrastination aside
i have too much brain
to decide whether or not
i want the fantasy to come to life

When you're getting what you ask for but can't ask for what you need,
When you trade prevention's ounce away to gain a fleshy pound,
When what started out as prudence has begun to feel like greed,
And the triumph that you prayed
For isn't worth the price you paid,
And you're feeling loosely held but tightly bound…
Now's the time to take a closer look at what you've found,
'Cuz now is when the chorus comes around.

So the rival for your power is imprisoned in a tower and you're ruler of the dower of your beaten bride,
But the heir that you've invested all your hopes in has been bested and your faith is being tested 'cause he's gone and died,
And poor John can't win a vict'ry 'cuz he's foolish, vain, and sickly, Geoff is sneaky, Rick's a prickly would-be regicide
Who is tight with royal Frenchmen and his mother's loyal henchman and his brothers on the bench manipulate his pride!

Fear is denying the truth
depression is helping me forget
while my potential is faintly pulsing inside my chest

lies counter last night's courage
Iron eyes hide the pain
Redemption is discouraged by
the memories that remain

Still lost in a bubble
with no end in sight
comfortable in darkness
afraid of the light

p.s. feedback is love

it is like two people talking with full mouths
and purposely empty eyes
it is like the dog that barks
but never bites
it is like the bird that sings
in an unfamiliar language
it is like hands that touch you
but eyes that never see through
it is like ears that sharpen
but do not seem to listen

you desire recognition
but people barely seem to give you
more than the superficial part
of their time of day
but you yourself cannot see
how you are caught in your own deception
of what they seem to say

jusanodagirl

Have you ever felt,

Like there's something greater,

That you had once upon a time?


There's something missing.


Sometimes I feel,

Like I don't belong,

In this lifetime,


Sometimes I feel,

Like I loved before,

With such greatness,

It hurt.


Sometimes I feel,

I've left someone behind,

But who?

Who are you?

Are you the one ive waited for my whole life?


Sometimes I try to close that feeling,

Lock it away,

But I cant.


I feel you looking for me,

But where do I begin to look for you?


Have you ever fell inlove with someone that wasn't there?

Were are you..................

Why can't life be easier?
I've tried as hard as i could to stop the hurt, the hurt that i cause people unknowingly.
But i don't seem to be able to get it right.

If i could find away to fix myself,
i would do it not just for you, but others as well.
I'm so tired of fixing things that i've caused.

Why am i always the one to fix things?
Why is everything always my fault?
Am i honestly that hard of a person to be around?

If i knew the answers to these questions, i would be a better person.
But no one has answered them,
And i find that i question myself even more.

Why are people friends with me?
I don't understand what people find so appealing about me.
Maybe someone will come forward and tell me.

I'm dying to know.
Why is life so hard?
One question that will never be answered.

I fell asleep on a bus stop bench and I immediately started dreaming…

I found myself standing on the median strip of a busy boulevard.

Naked; I tried to shield my shame.

People screamed, “Put some clothes on asshole!” at me.
Women scoffed, children laughed and pointed.
Cars motorcycles and buses rushed by, moving in two directions.

I tried to shield my shame but they ridiculed this even more.

Their laughter was psychotic and my humiliation complete.
I hid the book behind me lest someone see it.

Some drawings fell out.
A lizard man yelled, “Hey look! He fancies himself an artist!”

The crowd laughed psychotically.

The Hyena woman snatched the book from me and held it up
For the gathering-snarling-drooling crowd to view and make fun of.

I felt so angry that I couldn’t breathe.

I tried to scream FUCK YOU!
But nothing came out.

I felt like I was glowing florescent in a black and white world.

In the next moment, I awoke to the bus arriving and I staggered aboard as though nothing had happened.

I put my straight face back on and rode the bus to my stop.

It was just another day in the life of an ordinary man.



ambient_1 © 2009

**FINAL EDIT Thu Dec 10 02:15:47 UTC 2009**

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